boy troubles

Hey how is your trip going? I hope it’s well. I’d love to catch up over phone, but I’m sure you’re super busy. You are such an incredible person. I’m so proud of all that you’ve accomplished and experienced since graduation.

I’ve been noticing in myself that I’m extremely defensive whenever males try to tell me, like, anything. Whether it’s telling me to do something, suggesting that I do something, explaining anything, or responding to something I say that did not warrant a response; I assume this irritated voice and say something that boils down to “yeah I get that but no.”

Note it’s only guys. Young guys. If a girl or someone much older (who, when they speak to me, usually actually has something of value to say) offers anything in this vein my response is much more open. But it feels like I’m so much smarter than these other guys, who just spout bullshit because they like hearing their own voice and taking on a “superior” role by pretending they have something interesting to say. I’m tired of being treated like I’m simple, especially at work where we all have similar regimes of understanding. And I’m tired of hearing a man’s opinion on every fucking word that comes out of my mouth.

Haha can you tell I’m frustrated? Anyway, that all’s coming from the part of me that’s acutely aware that I’m a woman  in what is still very much a man’s field in what is very much a man’s world. The part of me that considers all people equal understands that all of this defensiveness and anger comes from having too much pride. Like the vice kind of pride. That I should let go of caring about others’ opinions of my intelligence and acuity–because it has nothing to do with me! These people aren’t thinking “Sarice is stupid so I have to talk to her like this.” Much more realistically, it’s just the way they talk. So I should just let it roll off my back.

This option sounds so much easier and more relaxing in the long run. I’m not sure I can ignore the angry woman side, though.

It’s starting to feel like a problem because I’m having trouble maintaining a pleasant conversation with dudes. Do you have any advice, or any experience with this sort of thing?

Love you~

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